“A year and a half ago my husband and I decided we were ready to bring a child into our family. We knew we were ready to share our love and enrich our lives with all the wonder that comes with having a baby. An overwhelming feeling of excitement and utter disbelief shook me when I read the positive pregnancy test. My husband and I shared tears of joy as we relished in the blissfulness of this huge step. We felt lucky that we were able to get pregnant quickly. For weeks we planned the future for our child. We started reading parenting books and pregnancy blogs. We decided on a nursery theme, Winnie the Pooh. We shared our beautiful secret with family members, but kept it quiet among friends. You wait until you are in your second trimester to divulge such delicate news to friends. Our first ultrasound showed a healthy fetus with every chance to grow into a perfect child. That is what we continued to imagine for weeks; our perfect child growing within me. We imagined helping our child grow into a curious, kind, and passionate person. At 10 weeks my husband and I scouted for the perfect location to start taking bump photos. As I stood with our carefully prepared sign in the perfect light in the perfect spot to record our journey, I couldn’t believe my life had turned out so wonderful.
It was just a few days later that we lost the baby. I waited until the end of work to go to the doctor’s knowing that bleeding in the first trimester is fairly common. I didn’t panic when my doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat because we hadn’t heard the heartbeat yet, it was still early for that milestone. My husband and I headed to the hospital for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was fine. I started to feel uneasy when the technician kept the screen turned away from me. My husband held my hand as we silently shared strength and comfort. We sat waiting for the doctor and I still thought that everything would be fine and the worst was not possible for us. I remember every second. It only took a look from the doctor to know that we lost the baby. We lost our family. We lost every hope and dream we had whispered to each other before bed. It felt like we lost everything.
The days that followed were physically and emotionally painful. We grieved together in our own ways. I realized weeks later when my husband broke down that I grieved immediately and relied on my husband for strength. His comfort and love was my raft in the storm.
As I wrapped my head and heart around the miscarriage, I shared my loss with family and friends. I discovered how many families suffer similar losses. It seemed like everybody had an encouraging story to share about themselves or a loved one. I came to realize that the worst thing that has ever happened to me has also happened to so many women I know. These women gave me hope and confidence by sharing their own personal journeys. Their journeys continued after the storm and lead to beautiful, healthy babies. Ours would too.
It took months for us to feel prepared to try again. Try again for our family. Try again for the future we dreamed of. Try again for our rainbow baby. Continue our journey. It took many more months for us to be able to celebrate pregnancy, a rainbow after the storm. As terrified as we were, we shared our joy with all of our family and friends. I wondered why I was supposed to wait until the second trimester. I wish my friends had known when I miscarried so they could support me and understand me. I knew if such a storm struck our lives again, we would need our people to keep us afloat. My husband and I waited cautiously. It took some time for the excitement and happiness of this pregnancy to overcome the fear and pain from our loss. Slowly, we started talking about the future with our baby. We started whispering hopes and dreams for the baby before bed. We started imagining the life of our tiny bundle. Our loss is honored in our pregnancy. We cherish every kick and beat of our baby’s heart.
I am so humbled to be a part of Kim’s rainbow project. I wanted the opportunity to share my story in hopes that it may comfort and give hope to someone that needs to hear it. The women in my life bravely shared their stories with me. I’ve kept my journey quite private, but it doesn’t need to be. Let’s find strength in each other and encouragement to dream from all the beautiful babies we are lucky enough to love. Let’s help each other and our children grow into curious, kind, and passionate people.”