“When Chris and I met each other, we knew immediately that we wanted to have children together. He had been married before and I had never met anyone that I wanted to start a family with. We started trying to get pregnant right away. I was told at 16 years old that I would probably never be able to have a baby because I have Endometriosis. It had been over 2 years of actively trying to get pregnant and we both thought it just wasn’t going to happen. Every time I blinked it seemed that another friend, family member, or stranger was pregnant. It broke my heart every time I saw a baby or pregnant woman. I cried myself to sleep numerous nights just wondering why it couldn’t just happen. Then in April of 2012, I noticed I hadn’t had a period and my boobs started to hurt. I said to Chris that I thought I was pregnant and that I’d take a home pregnancy test. Well, it was positive! I immediately called my OB and went in that same morning for bloodwork. They called me at my work and said, “Congratulations you’re pregnant! About 5 or 6 weeks!” I was so happy and shocked I couldn’t wait to tell Chris and everybody I knew. I hadn’t told him that anything was positive yet. On my way home from work I picked up a cake and had them write ‘Congratulations Daddy’ on it. I got home and was so excited to give him the cake. He starts talking about changing careers and moving and all this nonsense as I’m ready to pass out from excitement. I finally said to open the grocery bag I have something for you. He looks at it completely confused and asks what it says. I told him congratulations you’re going to be a Dad, we’re pregnant. We both started crying and just couldn’t be happier. We ran out to Rite Aid that night and bought cards for all the grandparents and great grandparents and told them the news that way. It was so funny watching everyone open them because they were all confused at first, but cried in excitement once they figured it out.
A few weeks passed and we had thought of names, themes for the nursery and started looking to move to a bigger place. The day of my 10-week ultrasound I started having some stomach cramping on and off and some spotting. We went to our first ultrasound at 8:30am on June 4, 2012. We saw our baby’s heartbeat, she was alive and moving around. The tech said everything looked great. I asked the doctor about the symptoms I was having and she said it was normal and to go home and put my feet up. I was still cramping that night. We were sitting on the couch and I got up to pee around 7pm. I went to the bathroom and felt something fall out of me. I looked down, blood everywhere and saw my baby in the toilet. I screamed for Chris and he came running in. I’ll never forget the look on his face. I was screaming and crying as he called the doctor and my mom not knowing what to do. He rushed me right to the Elliot where they did another ultrasound. The woman said, “I’m so sorry there’s no baby in there.” We both started to sob and scream. They wheeled me back to the room where my parents were waiting and Chris told them there’s no baby. Laying there all I could think about is my baby is gone. We just saw her this morning, healthy and alive and now she’s at home still in my toilet. What do I do now? We have to go back there and get her. I wanted her buried and celebrated somehow. It was horrible having to tell people that I lost the baby. I was reminded of my loss constantly.
I never even found out if she was really a girl or a boy. I just had a feeling it was a girl the hole time. Thank goodness for our families. They found a place to have her buried, helped us pay for a headstone, and found us a support group for people who had lost babies. The other moms encouraged us to name her what we planned. We named her Mariah Rose. They gave me the strength to get out of bed on days where I just couldn’t even sit up. I met some amazing women. It’s crazy when something this awful happens to you and you think you’re alone and the only one.  I definitely wasn’t alone. Her birth/death date comes every year. And every year I’m terrified that something could go wrong on that day.
I never thought I would get pregnant again. It took us so long to get pregnant with Mariah, it just seemed hopeless. Well, about five weeks later I started getting pregnancy symptoms again. I took a home pregnancy test and it said positive! I went back to the OB where they confirmed I was pregnant again! I was so happy and scared walking into that office in fear of it happening again. I switched offices for a new start. The pregnancy went good. I gave birth to my first Rainbow Baby Jaxson on April 19, 2013. About 3 months after my first due date. Then again on January 25, 2016 I gave birth to my 2nd Rainbow Baby Jordan. Now, I am pregnant with my last son and Rainbow Baby due in March 2018.
With each pregnancy I am so happy to get to enjoy each milestone, every kick, every ounce of morning sickness and all that comes with it. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified the hole time. I worry every time I get a stomach pain. I’m even more terrified to go the bathroom fearing the babies will fall out again. My family doesn’t even know this. Nothing in life can prepare you for losing a baby. This is the first time I’ve ever written about my experience with my miscarriage and my babies. I hope that I can help someone when reading this to know that you are not alone, even though it feels like you are. Going to support groups and talking about my baby has helped me throughout these years. When people ask me how many kids I have, I say 4. One in Heaven and 3 with me!”